The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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