Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
