I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
