He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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