My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
