bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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