you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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