he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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