Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
