she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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