Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?