From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out