Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
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He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?