dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
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hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.