He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
