So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize