"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
