Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
