I wanna bring you to show and tell
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
