just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
