i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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