just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
