WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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