Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize