I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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