dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
