So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
