just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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