Will you blow on my dice?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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