If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
