Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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