Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
