Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
