He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
