Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Randomize
