Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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