FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
