I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize