my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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