He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
