the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
