i permit you to call me
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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