Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
