Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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