Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
