He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
