she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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