please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
