i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
