Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
