I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
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I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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