I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
don't judge my taste in strippers
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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