clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
