Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
