I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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