she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
