Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
