No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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