I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
