I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
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You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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