i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
