I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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